I am happy I spoke to you about your Instagram account. I am not completely comfortable with you following these accounts like they were porn. There seems to be an element of removal when you look at porn sites and the fact that it is a job for the actors. It’s a play whereas call girls are a real-life service. The difference between watching movies about assassins and actually hiring one.
I know shouldn’t have but I did, I looked at your work phone. Just picked it up. You had a message from Alissa. I tried to open it but you Facebook session had timed out. It made me wonder who logs in with a limit time access. But I also saw that you were talking with someone named Emma. And it was on the night you went to a gig without me. It makes me wonder if every time you’re not around me you’re contacting someone else. This is a terrible feeling to walk around with. I had a quick look for either Emma or Alissa in your Facebook friends but they were not there. This makes me think either you have a second account or you have taken the time to selectively hide certain friends. I’ve seen Emma’s name before at work. Do I really need to be concerned about the women I work with too? Is everyone a potential fuck for you? It drives me mad George.
You looked handsome today, going to work. I like when you look good but a little part of me wonders if you’re now chatting up Emma or someone else at work? These feelings are all consuming. I can’t move on in my day with this knot in my stomach. I have been stalled with my studies. I have been consumed with concerned for our relationship and your fidelity.
I felt on Sunday and yesterday we were in a good place. Sometimes when you looked at me I felt you really did love me but I know you’re talking to others. It’s hard to reconcile the idea that someone I love is also someone I struggle to trust. At times, I think if I just stopped looking I wouldn’t find anything and I wouldn’t get hurt. But now that I know there is something to be found I can’t just turn a blind eye. It’s Schrodinger’s cat. If I just sit on my hands I will be a fool in a short time. I fear this. I know that if we break up you will no doubt twist this story so you will be miss understood and I will be the crazy girlfriend. This is how you function. This is how you see the events. I do not believe I have miss understood you. You tell me you contact call girls for the thrill of contacting, I understood this. You tell me the call girls on Instagram are for porn, even though I know you like more explicit forms of porn, but none-the less I understand. There will come a limit to my patience one day.
This morning you promised to ravage me when you got home. I plan to look pretty, with sexy underwear, hair and make-up done up. But I know you will not take advantage of this. I know you will go for a smoke and be too stoned for anything. I know you will let your brother come over again, delay out time together and by the time everyone is gone and we have had dinner you will be too tired/stoned to do anything. I will get changed into my pajamas, wash my face and brush out my hair. I will pretend I don’t mind but I will be crush inside. And it will be just another night going to bed.
If you ever read these I doubt they will have effect on you, but for now it is keeping me sane (even if it doesn’t look like I am). Your contact with other women is disrespectful to me and our relationship. I feel it is an affront to our relationship and demonstrates that you do not really care for me. Often, I think what you want is someone to care for you but someone else to fuck, the Madonna and the Whore. I will not be your stay at home wife while you fuck around. I cannot allow this to happen to myself.
For now, after the weekend, I feel we might be getting back to somewhere good. This is at least, what I hope.