Dear George

Dear George

I am happy I spoke to you about your Instagram account. I am not completely comfortable with you following these accounts like they were porn. There seems to be an element of removal when you look at porn sites and the fact that it is a job for the actors. It’s a play whereas call girls are a real-life service. The difference between watching movies about assassins and actually hiring one.

I know shouldn’t have but I did, I looked at your work phone. Just picked it up. You had a message from Alissa. I tried to open it but you Facebook session had timed out. It made me wonder who logs in with a limit time access. But I also saw that you were talking with someone named Emma. And it was on the night you went to a gig without me. It makes me wonder if every time you’re not around me you’re contacting someone else. This is a terrible feeling to walk around with. I had a quick look for either Emma or Alissa in your Facebook friends but they were not there. This makes me think either you have a second account or you have taken the time to selectively hide certain friends. I’ve seen Emma’s name before at work. Do I really need to be concerned about the women I work with too? Is everyone a potential fuck for you? It drives me mad George.

You looked handsome today, going to work. I like when you look good but a little part of me wonders if you’re now chatting up Emma or someone else at work? These feelings are all consuming. I can’t move on in my day with this knot in my stomach. I have been stalled with my studies. I have been consumed with concerned for our relationship and your fidelity.

I felt on Sunday and yesterday we were in a good place. Sometimes when you looked at me I felt you really did love me but I know you’re talking to others. It’s hard to reconcile the idea that someone I love is also someone I struggle to trust. At times, I think if I just stopped looking I wouldn’t find anything and I wouldn’t get hurt. But now that I know there is something to be found I can’t just turn a blind eye. It’s Schrodinger’s cat. If I just sit on my hands I will be a fool in a short time. I fear this. I know that if we break up you will no doubt twist this story so you will be miss understood and I will be the crazy girlfriend. This is how you function. This is how you see the events. I do not believe I have miss understood you. You tell me you contact call girls for the thrill of contacting, I understood this. You tell me the call girls on Instagram are for porn, even though I know you like more explicit forms of porn, but none-the less I understand. There will come a limit to my patience one day.

This morning you promised to ravage me when you got home. I plan to look pretty, with sexy underwear, hair and make-up done up. But I know you will not take advantage of this. I know you will go for a smoke and be too stoned for anything. I know you will let your brother come over again, delay out time together and by the time everyone is gone and we have had dinner you will be too tired/stoned to do anything. I will get changed into my pajamas, wash my face and brush out my hair. I will pretend I don’t mind but I will be crush inside. And it will be just another night going to bed.

If you ever read these I doubt they will have effect on you, but for now it is keeping me sane (even if it doesn’t look like I am). Your contact with other women is disrespectful to me and our relationship. I feel it is an affront to our relationship and demonstrates that you do not really care for me. Often, I think what you want is someone to care for you but someone else to fuck, the Madonna and the Whore. I will not be your stay at home wife while you fuck around. I cannot allow this to happen to myself.

For now, after the weekend, I feel we might be getting back to somewhere good. This is at least, what I hope.

Love Claire

Dear George

Dear George

We’re coming up to our 1st anniversary. But I still have concerns about your fidelity. I know we have gone over everything I found in your phone although I do not feel we have fully addressed your messages to “farm girl”. She isn’t a call girl like the rest, she’s a tinder person and you always tell me that it’s different when it’s not a call girl because there has to be an attraction of some sort present. I’m glad you didn’t go to Queensland. I’m sad for you because you didn’t get the job that would ease things financially, but overall, I am happy you didn’t go because I feel there is less chance of you cheating on me when we’re together.

I’ve been driving myself crazy these last few weeks. I was going through your Instagram friends when I was creating your Open White page. You have so many call girls on there. And all were added AFTER we started dating. I don’t understand why you seek out whores when you’re dating someone. Do you contact them? I know you like their photos. Do you just look like porn? I’m concerned George.

This week I’m in Sydney and I just keep thinking that this would be a perfect time for you to fuck around and I would never know. You keep so much secret.  I know I have my own trust issues. And as I have told you, for a majority of the time we’ve been together I’ve tried to control myself. This is not a reflection on my trust for you but rather my underlying suspicion I always carry. I have learnt the hard way to be suspicious of people who don’t save contacts in their phones. Especially when it’s a regular contact. Who are these people whose names can’t be seen? Why is it so secretive? You’ve recently hidden you pop ups from your lock screen. Why? Are you afraid I’m going to see something you don’t want me to? Are you still in contact with “farm girl”? or do you have a new floosy you’re seeing? You say you’re not doing anything wrong so why change your behaviours?  These activities fuel my concerns.

I have considered not caring. Could I be one of those women who knows her husband is fooling around but doesn’t care? I don’t think I can. I have a constant fear that one day I’m going to find out you’ve been seeing other people for years and everyone knew expect for me. I would be a fool. I would have wasted my time on someone who didn’t respect me. I don’t want to be that person.

I feel like we had a sweet spot in our relationship. Sometime around Christmas but it became strained when we moved in together and it’s only coming back to good since Vietnam. But then I know you were contacting call girls in November so how good could it have really been?

There are so many things I love about you George. I love your dreams and your plans. I love your energy and creativity. But your secretive nature makes me suspicious. When all your relationships end because you’ve cheated and been caught doing so, how can I not wonder? I wonder what you get out of contacting them, I wonder what they have that I do or can’t give. Is it sexual? When we started dating we had so much heat but it died off as quick as it started. I know during our lull it was tough but I’ve tried so hard recently. I’ve dressed up for you, I’ve pranced around the house in my underwear. And with no real increase in attraction from you. I don’t mind dressing up. I like it. It’s why I did it the first time you asked. But I would also like it to be appreciated and used by you. Tell me what you like, what you want. Talk to me about what you need. You say you appreciate it but I don’t feel it. Why don’t you ravage me when I throw myself at you? I know it sound silly but we hardly have sex anymore. It’s driving me insane. Maybe this craziness is driven because I am so sexually unsatisfied at the moment.

I thought for a while it was the weed. It lowers one’s libido, this I knew. And I thought you were really going to cut back when we got home from Vietnam, but you haven’t. You were good for a week or two but we’re back to where we were. You say your sex drive comes and goes, but it’s been gone for a while and you obviously have a desire of some sort or you wouldn’t seek out others. Is it something about me? Is there something you want but can’t ask for? I know you think of me as an inexperienced naive 20-year-old, but I’m not. I may not be outwardly expressive about somethings but that’s mostly because I don’t think it’s necessary to promote myself like that. When we meet (started talking more accurately) I thought I’d found someone who would satisfy me, who knew what I needed but you stopped. And I can’t get you back there as much as I try.

I don’t want to spoil our anniversary. I want it to be great. But these things I feel can’t be left unsaid. I really want you to go back to see a counselor. I know it sounds like I’m biased but when you talk about you experience with a counselor, I can see in your face the benefit it had for you. The clarity in your thoughts, and articulation of difficult topics. We are both about to make a major life change in the next 6 months. We’re going to move to another state together where we have very little support. We have to make sure what we are doing is the right thing for both of us. I want to talk to someone about my trust issues and this move. I have so many what ifs in my mind that I need help sorting out a clear thought. And I would really like you to do this too. I know money is tight but we’re not talking about a life time of therapy, few sessions will be covered by Medicare. But ultimately, it’s up to you to decide to go.

Overall, I love being with you. I love hanging out at home, working in the garden, going to gigs with you. I even like going grocery shopping with you (when you’re in a good mood). When we talk I don’t have any concerns, but when there is silence the thoughts come back. I just wish you didn’t fawn over call girls so much and contact old fuck buddies. And I wish we had a better sex life. George, I want to be with you for a long long time if you want to be with me. And I will do whatever it takes to make us work, but I do not want to be hurt or made a fool of. If you think you’re not capable for working with me on this please let me know now so we can move on from this.

I love you.

Claire.